Do you feel you should be happy? Or are you made to feel that by society or specifically the fertility space on special media? I have had a few clients whose Dr has actually suggested that they should be happy with one. But having another child has such a huge emotional difference doesn’t it? It's not about having a child, it's about having a sibling, and guilt can be an overriding emotion in this and lack of community and support. I’m excited to share that I am launching a group programme for people trying to extend their families and I’m running a Beat version, which means that you can join at a hugely discounted price as I will develop it further based on your feedback. Drop me a line at kat@fertilityrewire.com with which I'm in and I’ll send you more details, or head over to the website and pick up some free resources and join the mailing list. |
In this episode, I am going to talk about secondary fertility. Now, it's something I've spoken about before. It's something I work with a lot. But if you are trying for your first child, I know that this episode could be triggering for you. So it might be one to skip for now.
Should you be happy with one child?
I've been prompted to talk about secondary fertility specifically for a couple of reasons. One, yet again, a client has told me what her GP (general practitioner) has said to her when she asked for fertility tests and for support (this has happened to a couple of clients of mine.) she was told, "Well, you've already got one child, you should be happy with that." Yes, actually told that by the doctor, which is shocking.
Now, this brought me to the question. Should you be happy with one child?
It's an incredible question, really. And it's not one that you can really get your head round until you have had your first child. Now, the reason that I talk about that specifically, is you may well have set out with plans at the very start of your fertility journey although then it wasn’t a journey, it was just a plan for the future that you would like to have two children or you would like to have three children or you would like to have more potentially.
And then when you have experienced difficulty, when you are struggling to conceive, when you are on a journey, it comes to a point where you would just be happy with one. And a lot of my clients, a lot of friends have said that, I just want a child. And then when you have had a child, everything can change, not for everybody, but for some people. Because when you have a child, everything from that point on becomes about them and it becomes about their future. So it isn't a desire for a second child, it is a desire for a sibling. It isn't a desire for a third child, it is a desire for another sibling. It's not being greedy, it's about the support for your child through their childhood and beyond.
And often we tend to think about what will happen when I'm old. Where's the support? I don't want them to have to do that on their own. Or it could be that what about when you are gone or just to have that person with them, to have those family Christmases and to have time with cousins and to have that closeness, which if you think back to your own childhood and your relationship with your sibling, isn't necessarily there, but it is a drive.
How have you been treated by the GP in your trying for a second child or more?
Have you been to the GP or have you thought, well, I'm not going to get any support, because it will be costly. Because here in the UK, we have funded IVF within certain criteria. In most places in the UK, you get one go. But in some, I was speaking to someone earlier today, in some you get three go’s, but you get that funded IVF if it is your first child. And interestingly, it might be your first child, but if your partner already has a child, you don't qualify. So there are some criteria there, but you do not get funded IVF for a second child or more.
So often if you're aware of that, you won't even go to the GP, because you might think there's no point because you're going to have to pay. Now, you don't have to pay for the tests at the GP. You can have fertility tests free through the NHS. Obviously, it's a different system in different countries, but here in the UK, that is how it is. So you can have the tests because then you can do something about them. You still have to wait for the same amount of time: six months, if you are over 35, a year if you are under, you can access the tests. And again, they are limited tests. I've said this before. They are tests that are aimed at IVF. They are tests that are aimed at any other form of assisted fertility treatment.
Is it okay to want to extend your family?
Is it okay to want to extend your family? I'll say absolutely, categorically, yes, it is okay. Is it something that you are being questioned or treated differently or not as you would wish by your GP or society as a whole? I talked about platitudes with miscarriage, and it's the same thing here. “Oh, well, at least you've got one”. And then you will start to say potentially I should be happy with one. But should you? Why do you want to extend your family? Sit and think about that for a moment. Why do you want to extend your family? And that's okay. It is okay.
So feelings of guilt can come about quite easily, especially when you are in the fertility space on social media. It's not generally that you would put your foot forward and comment in a group where there are people who haven't conceived their first child, that you would put your foot forward and say you are trying for a second. So it's important to have that support. It's important to have that knowledge to be able to know what you can do.
Interestingly, with secondary fertility issues , there are some key factors that I see. I see a lot of changes in the menstrual cycle after having my first child. And there may have been some changes, potentially structurally following birth. If there's been surgery, there may be issues. And this is something that we are seeing quite a lot. The period itself can be different, which can demonstrate that, but also hormonal imbalance. Really commonly I'm seeing changes in ovulation and changes specifically for the luteal phase.
Now, you might have more stress, you might have less sleep, you might have more going on when you are trying to conceive your second or third child. And these have massive impacts on the menstrual cycle, on the luteal phase and things change. All tests are a photograph of what's going on. A blood test is like a photograph. It could be different 10 minutes after you'd had that blood test, it could certainly be different a week, it can certainly be different years after you've had that test.
Sperm is the same. Sperm changes. Things are very, very different. So it's important. I would suggest before you start trying for your second that you have a health check, that you look into it, that you understand your menstrual cycle. I'm guessing if you are listening to this, you are further down the line there.
So everything I've said in all these episodes rings true, but there is a different emotional element to this. And it is really, really key. There can also be a significant emotional element related to your experience of your birth with your previous child. It can also be affected massively by how long it takes you to conceive? How long did you have to conceive your second If you're trying for a third? Did you have to have IVF with your first child? Are you assuming that would be the same because it isn't necessarily the case? I believe that lots of people have IVF, who, if we looked into it more deeply, if we weren't just doing the limited tests with the huge reference ranges that we do, if we supported people much earlier on with fertility and educated them widely, then they wouldn't necessarily have had an issue.
I know people who have had two children through IVF and then very quickly had an unexpected third child, because they assumed they couldn't get pregnant. So it does change. It is important that you know it is okay to want a second or third child. It's more important for you to know that there may well be a reason. And at the doctors, you can have tests, or you can have home tests, and a lot of my clients will have private home tests. There is a lot we can do to support you when you are trying for a second baby.
Now, because of these aspects of the specifics, when you already have a child, because of this aspect of where you sit in terms of getting support, I have created a group program called Conceivable. And this group is specifically for people who are trying to extend their family. So I already have one child or two or more. It is a group program and I am beta testing it. So if you are trying to extend your family, I'm going to be running this beta version of my program or pilot version. And in terms of what beta means, basically that you get a fantastically discounted price as it's the first time I've run it in this format. And in return, you will help me develop it further, and I will ask you for some feedback.
So I wanted just to put that in there, that if you are trying to extend your family, it is okay. There can be things that can be done. You don't have to spend a huge amount of money to do it. You can really get to grips with what's going on with your body, the changes that have happened within your body since you've had a child, how things in your life are different. If sleep is affected, if stress levels are different, what is going on for you? There are key differences within that. There is that feeling of should I be happy? Should I be happy with one? Or even people saying, I should really be happy with one.
But you can take this and you can become your own fertility detective, as I say many, many times, and you can get to the bottom of it. But you have to know where to look. And that's where I come in when I'm working with people. So if a group program where you would also get that community of other people going through the same thing is something that sounds good to you, then drop me a line. You can send that to me. If you are on my emailing list, then I'll be contacting you about this anyway. If not, visit fertilityrewire.com and pick up some free resources and join the mailing list or just drop me an email to kat@fertilityrewire.com and say you'd like to know more.